A Subtle Difference

The other day, I stumbled upon a video posted on a friend's Facebook wall that had a very simple yet profound message. The message was this: Empathy has the power to bond people together, while sympathy can drive people apart.

 I know, for me, when I first read the description of the video, I was confused--yet intrigued--at what points were going to be made. After I watched it, I felt like high-fiving the speaker. She really hit the nail on the head. I will post the video below (and it really is worth watching) but I want to summarize and give my thoughts on the matter too.

 In brief, Dr. Brené Brown explains that to have empathy for someone is to climb down into their pit of despair and just be there with them. Sympathy, on the other hand, is more like popping your head down into the pit and saying, "Oh, it doesn't look very fun down there. I'm sorry." I feel like the video portrayed sympathetic people as being the bad guy when, in reality, I don't think this is true. I think sympathetic people mean well. They want to let others know that they care, but they are just going about it the wrong way. It is very easy, when we are in a bad place, to be annoyed at our sympathetic friends when they say things like, "I can't imagine how you're feeling, but I'm sure things will get better," or something to that effect. Let's be honest, that's just not helpful! After I published my last post, I had many people who contacted me saying something to that effect and, I'm not gonna lie, it kinda made me want to punch them in the face. BUT! After I took a step back and realized these people weren't trying to annoy me or make me feel bad, I appreciated the sentiment more. The thing that has been really helpful to me, though, are the people who have stepped forward and told me, "I have been there (or I am there). I know how bad it sucks and how hopeless you feel. Here are a few things I did that helped me." Empathetic people made me feel like I wasn't alone in my feelings while the sympathetic people kinda made me feel like a little kid throwing a tantrum (I fully realize no one meant to make me feel that way).

 I think it is human nature to want to guard our feelings and not let people know when we are in a bad way. I think that's why empathy can be so hard. It's hard to step under someone's raincloud and re-open our wounds for them to see. I have had some women that I really look up to and respect climb down into my pit with me, and I was so surprised at what they had to say. I never would have thought that some of these people were feeling or have felt the same things that I am feeling. I am so appreciative to my friends, family and some people that I don't even know who have opened up to me and let me know that what I am feeling is ok and normal and I'm not crazy.

 Anyway, my point is, I never looked at sympathy and empathy in this way before. I knew there was a difference, but I didn't realize that it was such an important difference. I thought that in order to have empathy, you had to have been in that specific situation before and know exactly how the person is feeling. Dr. Brown explains that there are four qualities of empathy: 1) Perspective-taking 2) Staying out of judgement 3)Recognizing emotion in other people and 4) Communicating that emotion back. So, to be empathetic, you don't have to know exactly how a person is feeling. You just have to be able to put yourself in their shoes and feel their emotions with them (see, I told you it was profound!). I wanted to share this because all of us have friends who go through hard things, and I feel that knowing the subtle yet important difference between being a sympathetic listener versus being an empathetic listener will make a huge difference in the bonds we form with people. I know it has made all the difference for me!

 Here's the original video:

Halfway

January marks the halfway point of this year of Weston's training. We are officially done with half of the hardest year of our lives. While this should be very exciting and relieving (and in some ways it is), it is actually a little bit sad and depressing to me.

This year should have been happy and fun and exciting for us. It was our first year out of school and with a "real" job. We welcomed Hayley into our family. We moved into our first house and said goodbye to apartment living. Weston got his own car and I got a minivan. But, while all of these exciting things were going on, we have been wishing that the time would go faster and this year would just be done. How sad is that? Life should be filled with happiness--or at least contentment--with a little sadness sprinkled in here and there. This year, it feels as though our life has been filled with sadness, depression, and exhaustion with little bits of relief that pop up every now and then.

I have never really been one to fully expose how I'm feeling, and whenever someone asks how I'm doing I always say "good" or "fine" (because, lets be honest, that's what people want to hear). I even try to convince myself that I am happy or good or fine most of the time. This year, I have come to grips with the fact that I have slipped into depression and my anxiety has overtaken me. Weston has been averaging almost 80 hour work weeks. The kids go days without seeing him. At the beginning of his work-year, we had a new baby. I have three small children at home full time. Money is very tight. We have a lot of student loan debt hanging over our heads. I can count on one hand the number of times Weston has come home from work and said, "I felt like a doctor today." Most days he feels like a glorified secretary, writing note after note and putting in order after order for medications. Because of this, he has been worn down and has become pretty bitter. I have felt like I have needed to be the positive one to lift him up. At the beginning of the year I felt like I was doing a pretty good job, but I could only hold it together for so long until it all came crumbling down.

In the world of stay-at-home Mormon moms, it is not ok to feel the way I feel. I am expected to be happy, and charitable, and kind, and patient. I'm supposed to cook a well-balanced dinner every night, and do fun, educational activities with my kids every day, and keep a clean house. I'm not supposed to feel down and defeated. I know this isn't how it really is, but it's how it seems. It seems as if everyone around me is happy and handling their lives well, and I am failing miserably. It wasn't until recently, when I had a conversation with a friend about my feelings, that I found out that I am most definitely not alone. When she opened up to me, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I gave myself permission to really feel my feelings instead of stuffing them down and wishing they would go away. And I have stopped beating myself up about not reading my scriptures everyday, and letting my kids watch too much tv, and skipping sacrament meeting because it's just too hard. Another friend told me that, "sometimes your best is all you can do, and that is good enough." And sometimes my best is just waking up and getting my kids breakfast and turning the tv on. I have also realized, that it's ok for me to be selfish right now. If I feel like I need to distance myself from someone who paints their life to be perfect and it's making me feel inadequate, then that's ok. If I don't feel like I can babysit or do a favor for someone who asks, it's ok for me to say no.

I know this post has probably been pretty depressing to most of you, but I just needed to put it all out there because my New Year's resolution is to work through these feelings, and it feels good to write about it. Also, if I can help just one person like my friend helped me by opening up, then I will have succeeded. It sucks to feel alone and it sucks to feel like you are a failure. This year has been a complete test of my faith, and in many ways it has weakened my testimony, but I am hoping that the first step in me getting my faith back is to own my feelings. I hope all of my friends who are in the same situation are finding ways to be happy and don't have these feelings, but if you do just know that you aren't alone! And if you know someone who has a husband in residency, and they tell you they are doing "fine," just assume they are full of crap (because they are) and bake them some cookies!

No offense, but...

I feel like we live in a world where people get offended waaaaaaay too easily. For example, if I say something about how I choose to parent my kids in a certain way, or how I absolutely loved my epidurals with every single child, or that I think that "wear pants to church day" was completely stupid (not the actual wearing of pants, but all of the hullabaloo about it) , 5 billion people jump down my throat about how I shouldn't judge people who have different views as I do.
Wait.
What?
Let me get this straight. Me voicing my opinion offends you?

And these are just a few examples. There are so many things I would like to say, without the intention to offend, but I can't, just in case someone's feelings might get hurt. I say, we all just buck up, realize that not everyone thinks the same way we do, and stop being a bunch of pansies. I do this sometimes too. I'll come home from a photo shoot and excitedly show Weston some pictures. If he has any sort of critique about them, I get all pouty. He isn't trying to be mean. He's just trying to give me pointers on how to improve my skills. Why do I get so offended? Probably because I'm a little insecure.

**side note: Have you noticed that I like to use my self as an example in a lot of my blog posts? Yeah. That's because, heaven forbid, I use a generic example and offend someone. Someone is probably offended as we speak by the examples I used in the first paragraph!!**

The worst part is, we are cultivating this type of thinking in our children. In little league sports, we give every kid on every team a trophy at the end of the season just so no one feels bad. Whyyyy?  Is patronizing the losing team really helping our kids? No! All it is doing is teaching them false principles.
"It doesn't matter if you didn't win one game this season! Here's your trophy! You're number one! YAAAAY! Everyone's a winner!"
Well, guess what. In the real world, when you don't come in first place, you don't get a prize. Not everyone is a winner. And that's ok! I want to teach my kids that they aren't the best at everything and they probably won't win at everything, but as long as they are trying their best and having fun that's all that matters. I want them to have a tough skin and realize that the world is a tough place! Not everyone is going to care about their feelings, and sometimes people will even disagree with them (shocker!!!). AND THAT'S OK!

Also, why is it when someone is doing something that, not only we don't agree with, but really isn't even necessarily good or ok, we still feel like we can't say anything?? I know so  many people who get taken advantage of in different ways because they don't want to make someone feel bad. For example, they do things for people without any form of compensation just because they are nice people, and then they get walked all over because they are too nice to say no! (you know who you are *wink wink*) And no one will say anything to the offending party for fear of making them feel bad, and they keep on doing what they're doing because they think it's ok.
BAH!
It's so frustrating!

Anyway, moral of the story is: We are all different people who think differently and view the world differently. If someone doesn't have the same beliefs, views, or lifestyle as you, that's ok. If someone tells you that they don't agree with something you're doing/saying, you don't need to go cry into your pillow or post some passive aggressive Facebook status about it. If we all had the same beliefs and thought the exact same way, how boring would the world be? And if no one stood up for what they believed in because they were afraid of offending someone, I'm pretty sure we would all have British accents, and slavery would still be ok, and women wouldn't have the right to vote, etc. etc.

End rant.

I'm a stress-case

I'm pretty sure I've written about this topic before, but I'm just gonna do it again because it's been on my mind a lot lately. 

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I like to go back through all of my old pictures from high school and college. I look at the girl in those pictures and remember how carefree, fun, and not so stressed out I was. Those were the good old days. I feel like every child I have had has taken a little piece of that fun person and turned me into an anxious stress-case. I'm not saying it's their fault, because it's totally not! I don't know what my problem is, but becoming a mom has magnified my neurotic need to control everything and has given me extreme anxiety. I worry about the lamest things, like if my kids are bugging the people around me or being too loud at any point in the day or that they are going to ruin their clothes or lose their shoes. Good gracious, they're kids! Of course they are bugging people in the grocery store and being too loud in church! That's what kids do! Loosen up, lady! At least that's how I wish I could think. That's the worst part about all of this: I know exactly what I'm doing and I want to chill out and not be so uptight, but I just can't seem to do it! Some days I think I need some Xanax or something.

So, I start beating myself up because I'm this uptight, not fun mom who is always shushing my kids, but then I think about the things I deal with each day and realize that there is a reason I'm so crazy! Nearly every night/early morning I am woken up by the stealthiest little two-year-old who climbs out of his crib and comes into our room. I feel his little hands start to climb the bed or I just sense that he is there and I open my eyes to see his huge eyes starting at me over the side of the bed. That alone is enough to make someone have anxiety! I can't tell you how many times during the day I say the phrases, "Don't hit your brother!" "Stop biting!" "Don't lay on your sister!" "Stop poking Hayley's eyes!" "Stop crying or you're going to puke!" Or something to that effect. When you are trying to keep 3 small humans alive you have to have constant vigilance. I guess when you only have "alone time" after 8:00 at night (and by that time all I want to do is crawl under my covers and go to sleep, myself) you kind of start to forget who you were before you lived your life for your kids. Pretty much everything I do, aside from photography and writing this little bliggity blog, revolves around them. How do moms of multiple children not turn into crazy, neurotic, anxious, control freaks? Seriously. I really want to know! 

I want my kids to think I'm a nice, fun mom. Not a mean, strict mom who never lets them do anything they want to do. Some days I do a really good job and we build forts and play tag and eat way too much junk food! But other days, I just go through the motions of the day, waiting for bed time. This might be wishful thinking, but I hope that having at least one kid in school will relieve some of this stress (I know it will bring on a whole new type of stress from the school work and after-school activities) since I will only have two, then one, then no kids at home during the day. 

Or maybe I should just take a Xanax and cool out! 

Consumerism at it's Finest

Many of you have probably seen this article about Black Friday and Thanksgiving shopping. I agree with it whole-heartedly and have never been a Black Friday, crazy deal-seeking shopper. I can think of a myriad of places I would rather be than at Walmart on Thanksgiving night. I have never been overly concerned about finding the best deals on things, so hitting up huge sales with masses of people has never really been my thing. I love shopping. I don't love huge crowds and digging through sale racks.  This is why I have to laugh when I think about what happened to me and my mother-in-law on Saturday:

Since my in-laws were in town, and it is almost Christmas, we decided to get some shopping done for my kids so they wouldn't have to ship everything here. We went to Carter's to get Hayley some clothes because I had a couple of coupons. When we got there, an incredibly nice and friendly sales-person approached us and started chatting with us. She told us that their big 50% off sale was starting on Monday, and I could still use my 20% off coupon on top of that, AND they were still giving $10 for every $50 spent. Well. You can't beat that, right? But my mother-in-law was only in town until Sunday so that wasn't going to work. The sales-person told us that she would put stuff on hold until Monday if we wanted her to, and there were some 60% off sales racks in the store that were going to be changed to 50% off on Monday so we should look at those while we were there (this lady was goooood at her job). So, of course we find all sorts of cute things for Hayley, and my mother-in-law decided to get her shopping done for one of my nieces also. We headed up to the register and put the things for Hayley on hold for me to come back and purchase at 50% off on Monday. Sales lady rang up the rest of our items and we were just a few dollars away from getting our $10 so we headed back to find more stuff. We went back to the register, and at this point we were just a few dollars away from getting ANOTHER $10 so we headed back to find MORE stuff. By the time we were done, she had spent a good amount more than she was planning on spending when we walked into the store and all the grandkids had some new clothes. As we left, we looked at each other and just started laughing.

Oh wait, it gets better.

We then headed to the grocery store to get some Blue Bell ice cream (because you can't come to Texas and not eat Blue Bell). We walked to the refrigerated section and, yay! it was on sale! So, of course, we got two and headed to check out. When we got there, the checker informed us that, in order to get the sale price, we had to spend $10 on other merchandise. You've got to be kidding me. So we walked around the grocery store and put a bunch of crap in the cart. Some things we needed and some we didn't--all for the sake of getting Blue Bell for $2 off!

As we were walking back to the car, I looked at my mother-in-law and said, "What in the heck just happened to us?" That, my friends, was consumerism at it's finest.

OH, we have a coupon! But we have to spend $40 to use it!
WAIT, now we are only $5 away from getting $10 for a future purchase! We can't get that close and not do it!
Buy more to get more! You can't afford NOT to!

I'm just glad Weston wasn't with us on this little shopping excursion. He would have been in the corner with this thumb in his mouth, rocking back and forth by the time we were done.

Good to Know

I learned something about myself the other day. I am, apparently, very useless in emergency situations. I guess this is a good thing for my family to know. Don't count on mom being in any state to help out if someone gets hurt, because it's just not gonna happen.

A couple weeks ago the boys were playing with some balloons in the living room. Carter hit his up in the air and ran to grab it when it landed. As he reached down to pick it up, my sweet little clumsy boy fell flat on his face. He does this quite often so I expected to go over, pick him up, and cuddle him for a bit until he felt better. But when I got to him and turned him over, his mouth was full of blood. By some miracle of miracles, Weston hadn't left for work yet (ok maybe it wasn't a miracle, maybe he was just being lazy that morning--thank goodness!) so I started yelling, "Weston! Blood!" and I took Carter over to the kitchen counter to assess the damage. As I was dabbing his mouth with a paper towel I started to feel pretty woozy. Crap. I know this feeling. Weston took over with Carter, I ran to put a screaming Hayley down for her nap, and then I sat in the kitchen with my head between my legs (as I think back on this, I wonder what poor Jackson was thinking--Carter's mouth is gushing blood and he is screaming, Hayley is tired so she is screaming, Daddy is trying to calm Carter down, and Mommy is sitting in the middle of the floor--poor kid). A few minutes later, I thought I was ok to help again so I went over to look what Carter had done to himself. Weston lifted up his lip, and I instantly felt the room start to spin. I went and sat on the couch and Weston brought Carter over to sit with me while he cleaned up the kitchen. A few minutes later I was startled awake by Weston saying, "Baby! Baby! You passed out!" I guess he had been trying to talk to me from the kitchen, and when I didn't respond he came over and found me laying on the couch twitching. Carter was still sitting in my lap--crying. Nice.

So, there you have it. Proof that I am a complete wuss when it comes to dealing with blood. This is kind of disconcerting as a mother of two boys--one of whom is completely accident prone. Here's to hoping that Weston is home for all of our future mishaps. Maybe I should teach Jackson first aid...

 I still get a little queasy looking at this. I'm so lame.

My poor fat-lipped little boy.

Becoming Happy

“Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others. By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves.” -Gordon B. Hinckley

Confession: This year of Weston's medical training has been really hard on our family. He isn't home very often. He works really long hours day to day (averages bout 80 hours a week) and only gets 4 days off per month. We had a new baby not too long ago. That means I am by myself taking care of three kids. We see other people our age building brand new houses, going on fun weekend getaways, and just being able to spend time together, and it's easy to get down and have negative feelings about our situation. Really easy. We could (and sometimes do) complain about how hard our life is and how unfair everything seems, but that usually doesn't make things any better. The above quote is completely, 100% accurate. The times that I have been focused inward on how hard my situation is, are the times that have been the darkest for me. Whereas, on the flip side, the times that I have been more outward focused and trying to make the best of things are the times I have been happy! 

It is really hard to focus on anything else but ourselves when we are going through trials. I think our natural instinct is to have a bit of a pity-party and think with a "why, me?" mentality. "Why is this happening to me?" "Why do I always get the raw end of the deal?" "I need something better to happen to me" That's a whole lot of selfish thinking. And it's not enough to just think "Well, other people have it worse. Think about those affected by the storm in the  Philippines or all the starving people in the world. At least we have a job." Just because someone else has a worse situation, doesn't mean we can't feel bad about our trials. What does make a big difference is finding someone in need and actually doing something to help them. The act of serving other people just helps us forget about ourselves for a bit. I think hard thing about  being depressed--or even just having a sad day--is that we get sucked into this cycle of feeling sad, not wanting to do anything, and sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. When we start to feel down, we just need to break the cycle somehow! 

I feel like a lot of times we depend on outside circumstances or people to make us happy. Well, guess what? If that's what we're waiting on, then there's a good chance we will never be happy. No thing or person can make us feel anything. That is completely up to us. So, if we want to be happy we have to make that choice for ourselves. SO! During this holiday season, I am going to challenge myself to find ways to serve others daily. It could be a member of my family, a friend, or even a stranger. I know this will help me forget about how hard my situation is and, in turn, make me a happier person. And we all know that when mom is happy, it's a lot easier for everyone else to be happy :) 

**post edit: I have no idea what blogger did to my last post! I proof read and then it went crazy on me!