A Subtle Difference

The other day, I stumbled upon a video posted on a friend's Facebook wall that had a very simple yet profound message. The message was this: Empathy has the power to bond people together, while sympathy can drive people apart.

 I know, for me, when I first read the description of the video, I was confused--yet intrigued--at what points were going to be made. After I watched it, I felt like high-fiving the speaker. She really hit the nail on the head. I will post the video below (and it really is worth watching) but I want to summarize and give my thoughts on the matter too.

 In brief, Dr. Brené Brown explains that to have empathy for someone is to climb down into their pit of despair and just be there with them. Sympathy, on the other hand, is more like popping your head down into the pit and saying, "Oh, it doesn't look very fun down there. I'm sorry." I feel like the video portrayed sympathetic people as being the bad guy when, in reality, I don't think this is true. I think sympathetic people mean well. They want to let others know that they care, but they are just going about it the wrong way. It is very easy, when we are in a bad place, to be annoyed at our sympathetic friends when they say things like, "I can't imagine how you're feeling, but I'm sure things will get better," or something to that effect. Let's be honest, that's just not helpful! After I published my last post, I had many people who contacted me saying something to that effect and, I'm not gonna lie, it kinda made me want to punch them in the face. BUT! After I took a step back and realized these people weren't trying to annoy me or make me feel bad, I appreciated the sentiment more. The thing that has been really helpful to me, though, are the people who have stepped forward and told me, "I have been there (or I am there). I know how bad it sucks and how hopeless you feel. Here are a few things I did that helped me." Empathetic people made me feel like I wasn't alone in my feelings while the sympathetic people kinda made me feel like a little kid throwing a tantrum (I fully realize no one meant to make me feel that way).

 I think it is human nature to want to guard our feelings and not let people know when we are in a bad way. I think that's why empathy can be so hard. It's hard to step under someone's raincloud and re-open our wounds for them to see. I have had some women that I really look up to and respect climb down into my pit with me, and I was so surprised at what they had to say. I never would have thought that some of these people were feeling or have felt the same things that I am feeling. I am so appreciative to my friends, family and some people that I don't even know who have opened up to me and let me know that what I am feeling is ok and normal and I'm not crazy.

 Anyway, my point is, I never looked at sympathy and empathy in this way before. I knew there was a difference, but I didn't realize that it was such an important difference. I thought that in order to have empathy, you had to have been in that specific situation before and know exactly how the person is feeling. Dr. Brown explains that there are four qualities of empathy: 1) Perspective-taking 2) Staying out of judgement 3)Recognizing emotion in other people and 4) Communicating that emotion back. So, to be empathetic, you don't have to know exactly how a person is feeling. You just have to be able to put yourself in their shoes and feel their emotions with them (see, I told you it was profound!). I wanted to share this because all of us have friends who go through hard things, and I feel that knowing the subtle yet important difference between being a sympathetic listener versus being an empathetic listener will make a huge difference in the bonds we form with people. I know it has made all the difference for me!

 Here's the original video: