Halfway

January marks the halfway point of this year of Weston's training. We are officially done with half of the hardest year of our lives. While this should be very exciting and relieving (and in some ways it is), it is actually a little bit sad and depressing to me.

This year should have been happy and fun and exciting for us. It was our first year out of school and with a "real" job. We welcomed Hayley into our family. We moved into our first house and said goodbye to apartment living. Weston got his own car and I got a minivan. But, while all of these exciting things were going on, we have been wishing that the time would go faster and this year would just be done. How sad is that? Life should be filled with happiness--or at least contentment--with a little sadness sprinkled in here and there. This year, it feels as though our life has been filled with sadness, depression, and exhaustion with little bits of relief that pop up every now and then.

I have never really been one to fully expose how I'm feeling, and whenever someone asks how I'm doing I always say "good" or "fine" (because, lets be honest, that's what people want to hear). I even try to convince myself that I am happy or good or fine most of the time. This year, I have come to grips with the fact that I have slipped into depression and my anxiety has overtaken me. Weston has been averaging almost 80 hour work weeks. The kids go days without seeing him. At the beginning of his work-year, we had a new baby. I have three small children at home full time. Money is very tight. We have a lot of student loan debt hanging over our heads. I can count on one hand the number of times Weston has come home from work and said, "I felt like a doctor today." Most days he feels like a glorified secretary, writing note after note and putting in order after order for medications. Because of this, he has been worn down and has become pretty bitter. I have felt like I have needed to be the positive one to lift him up. At the beginning of the year I felt like I was doing a pretty good job, but I could only hold it together for so long until it all came crumbling down.

In the world of stay-at-home Mormon moms, it is not ok to feel the way I feel. I am expected to be happy, and charitable, and kind, and patient. I'm supposed to cook a well-balanced dinner every night, and do fun, educational activities with my kids every day, and keep a clean house. I'm not supposed to feel down and defeated. I know this isn't how it really is, but it's how it seems. It seems as if everyone around me is happy and handling their lives well, and I am failing miserably. It wasn't until recently, when I had a conversation with a friend about my feelings, that I found out that I am most definitely not alone. When she opened up to me, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I gave myself permission to really feel my feelings instead of stuffing them down and wishing they would go away. And I have stopped beating myself up about not reading my scriptures everyday, and letting my kids watch too much tv, and skipping sacrament meeting because it's just too hard. Another friend told me that, "sometimes your best is all you can do, and that is good enough." And sometimes my best is just waking up and getting my kids breakfast and turning the tv on. I have also realized, that it's ok for me to be selfish right now. If I feel like I need to distance myself from someone who paints their life to be perfect and it's making me feel inadequate, then that's ok. If I don't feel like I can babysit or do a favor for someone who asks, it's ok for me to say no.

I know this post has probably been pretty depressing to most of you, but I just needed to put it all out there because my New Year's resolution is to work through these feelings, and it feels good to write about it. Also, if I can help just one person like my friend helped me by opening up, then I will have succeeded. It sucks to feel alone and it sucks to feel like you are a failure. This year has been a complete test of my faith, and in many ways it has weakened my testimony, but I am hoping that the first step in me getting my faith back is to own my feelings. I hope all of my friends who are in the same situation are finding ways to be happy and don't have these feelings, but if you do just know that you aren't alone! And if you know someone who has a husband in residency, and they tell you they are doing "fine," just assume they are full of crap (because they are) and bake them some cookies!